100+ Roasts to Say to Your Friends

Have you ever wanted to roast your friends but didn’t know what to say? Do you enjoy watching celebrities roast each other on TV or online? If so, you’re in luck. In this article, we’ll show you 100+ roasts to say to your friends that will make them laugh, cry, or both. Whether you need a comeback, a burn, or a joke, we’ve got you covered. You’ll learn how to roast your friends with style, humor, and savagery. But be warned: these roasts are not for the faint of heart. Read on at your own risk.

• If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.  
• I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.  
• Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’ve been searching for—except for a personality.  
• If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.  
• It’s a shame you can’t Photoshop your personality.  
• I’m not insulting you; I’m just describing you.  
• Are you always so stupid, or is today a special occasion?  
• You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.  
• If you’re waiting for me to care, I hope you brought a comfortable chair.  
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.  
• I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.  
• The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.  
• You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.  
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.  
• If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.  
• I’m not saying you’re stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.  
• Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.  
• If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.  
• I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.  
• Your face makes onions cry.  
• I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.  
• I’m not a gynecologist, but I can tell you’re a massive c**t.  
• I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.  
• You’re like a Monday, nobody likes you.  
• I’m not saying you’re ugly; I’m just saying you should have a good personality.  
• If your life had a face, I would punch it.  
• If you were any dumber, we’d have to water you.  
• Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got “FINE” written all over you.  
• I’d call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.  
• I’d say you’re a waste of space, but you’re actually preventing a landfill from filling up.  
• I’ve seen smarter people in a petting zoo.  
• You’re like a human napkin because everyone uses you and then throws you away.  
• I’m not saying you’re fat, but it looks like you were poured into your clothes and forgot to say “when.”  
• You’re so dense, light bends around you.  
• Is your name Wi-fi? Because I’m feeling a connection, but it’s probably just really slow.  
• You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.  
• I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.  
• You’re the reason the average sperm count is decreasing.  
• If your IQ was any lower, we’d have to water you twice a week.  
• If you were any more in the closet, you’d be in Narnia.  
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong, and that’s your territory.  
• I’m not saying you’re old, but if you were a dinosaur, you’d be a “saur-usly” ancient one.  
• Is your name Waldo? Because someone like you is hard to find interesting.  
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.  
• I’m not saying you’re lazy, but if being lazy was an Olympic sport, you’d barely qualify for a participation medal.  
• Are you a magician? Because whenever you’re around, everyone disappears.  
• I’m not insulting you; I’m just describing you in vivid detail.  
• If you were any more laid-back, you’d be horizontal.  
• I’m not saying you’re a gold digger, but you certainly know how to pan for compliments.  
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be overestimating your intelligence.  
• Is your name Ariel? Because we’re all still waiting for you to be a part of our world.  
• You must be a parking ticket because you’ve got “fine” written all over you—fine as in “acceptable,” of course.  
• If laughter is contagious, your expressionless face must be the vaccine.  
• I’m not saying you’re forgettable, but I just forgot what we were talking about.  
• If I had a penny for every time you said something insightful, we could finally afford therapy for you.  
• I’m not saying you’re slow, but if you were a computer, you’d be an Apple Watch.  
• Are you a time traveler? Because I haven’t seen fashion sense like yours since the ’80s.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be contributing to the decline of intellectual conversation.  
•   If sarcasm burned calories, you’d be a supermodel.  
•   I’m not saying you’re a disappointment, but my dog learned more tricks in a week than you did in a year.  
•   Is your name Bluetooth? Because I’m feeling a lack of connection.  
•   If you were any more two-faced, you’d be a Rubik’s Cube.  
•   I’m not saying you’re boring, but even a GPS would fall asleep trying to navigate your life.  
•   If stupidity were an Olympic sport, you’d definitely qualify for the marathon.  
•   I’d call you a tool, but at least a tool serves a purpose.  
•   I’m not saying you’re unattractive, but if you were a vegetable, you’d be a “cute-cumber.”  
•   If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world of happiness.  
•   I’m not saying you’re predictable, but I bet you thought I was going to say something about predictability.  
•   If you were any more predictable, we could use you to set the clock.  
•   I’m not saying you’re forgetful, but even Dory wouldn’t want to remember you.  
•   If you were any less intelligent, you’d be a cult leader.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong, and that’s a responsibility I’m not willing to share.  
•   If you were any less ambitious, you’d be a sloth on a hammock.  
•   I’m not saying you’re lazy, but calling you a couch potato would be an insult to potatoes.  
•   If you were any more of a fashionista, the fashion police would have a lifetime subscription to your Instagram.  
•   I’d call you a diamond in the rough, but you’re more like cubic zirconia in a landfill.  
•   I’m not saying you’re uninteresting, but even a bookmark has more of a story than you.  
•   If you were any more of a smooth talker, you’d be a PowerPoint presentation.  
•   I’m not saying you’re forgettable, but I forgot the insult I was planning to use on you.  
•   If you were any more laid-back, you’d be horizontal, and if you were any more horizontal, you’d be a comma.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong, and that’s a level of agreement I’m not comfortable with.  
•   If you were a cat, you’d have used up all nine lives and still be clueless.  
•   I’m not saying you’re slow, but a sloth with a limp could outrun you.  
•   If you were any more of a legend, you’d be in a myth.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be suffering from a severe lack of intelligence.  
•   If you were any more indecisive, you’d probably struggle to choose a superpower.  
•   I’m not saying you’re forgetful, but you probably forgot what I said five roasts ago.  
•   If you were any more of a procrastinator, you’d probably get around to being lazy tomorrow.  
•   I’d call you a Renaissance person, but that would be an insult to the Renaissance.  
•   I’m not saying you’re boring, but even a dictionary has more exciting words.  
•   If you were any more of a dreamer, you’d be asleep.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be embracing mediocrity.  
•   If you were any more of a stand-up comedian, people would be asking for refunds.  
•   I’m not saying you’re forgettable, but you’re like the Ctrl+C of people—copy-paste personality.  
•   If you were any more of an underachiever, you’d be an astronaut who thinks the moon is too far.  
•   I’d call you a trendsetter, but you’re more of a trend-follower who’s lost.  
•   If you were any more of a diplomat, we’d probably be in the middle of World War 17 by now.  
•   I’m not saying you’re forgetful, but you probably forgot what we were talking about mid-roast.  
•   If you were any more of an optimist, you’d probably consider a flat tire an opportunity to explore new parking lots.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wallowing in the depths of delusion.  
•   If you were any more of a multitasker, you’d be failing at multiple things simultaneously.  
•   I’m not saying you’re forgettable, but even a goldfish could hold onto a memory of you for longer.  
•   If you were any more of an overthinker, you’d be analyzing this roast for the next three weeks.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be lowering our standards.  
•   If you were any more of a philosopher, we’d need a new category for “profoundly nonsensical.”  
•   I’m not saying you’re forgetful, but you probably forgot your birthday at least once.  
•   If you were any more of a minimalist, you’d probably have fewer thoughts than a potato.  
•   I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be nodding off in agreement.  
•   If you were any more of a wordsmith, you’d be crafting insults with the elegance of a drunken poet.